The ABCs of Vampire’s Kiss

Let’s take a moment to discuss the alphabet according to Vampire’s Kiss. What could be easier? It’s all alphabetical. You just list everything out according to alphabetical order. You know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G… H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, PQ, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z!

A is for ACCENT

Although Peter Loew mentions that he was born in Philadelphia and has spent the past 10 years in New York, linguistic scholars have still spent decades trying to decipher the roots of his unique manner of speaking.

B is for BUH-HOO

This is how we all sound when we cry, right?

C is for COCKROACH

Nicolas Cage ate not just one, but two of these live creepy-crawlers during filming. Well, two for his infamous scene, but who knows how many more he snacked on off-camera.

D is for DESCENT INTO MADNESS

Whether or not you believe that Peter has truly been seduced and turned by vampiric forces, there’s no denying another transformation occurring: his metamorphosis from somewhat unhinged weirdo to full-Cage psychopathic lunatic.

E is for EATING PIGEONS

It’s a well-known fact that vampires enjoy these street birds as a common substitute for human prey, although I wouldn’t recommend bringing them back to your apartment, as the feathers can create quite a mess.

F is for FILING CONTRACTS

Alphabets such as this one are essential in knowing how to properly file every copy of every contract your literary agency makes with its clients. You certainly wouldn’t want to misfile something, would you? How could somebody misfile something??

G is for GETTING THROUGH TO ALVA

When work is stressing you out, taking a sick day can provide some much needed peace and quiet with time to recharge. And if your boss is caring and considerate, he might even bring you a packet of soup. However, if your boss is Nicolas Cage, the soup may be part of a ploy to trick you into being abducted back to the office. After all, one must remember that the work never just goes away.

H is for HIGH-DEFINITION

Sure, it’s a shameless sales plug, but that doesn’t change the fact that this film truly deserves to be seen on Blu-ray.

I is for I’M A VAMPIRE!

It’s not just a declarative mantra but a way of life.

J is for JUMPING ON DESKS

For when you need to get the immediate attention of your coworker, accept no substitutes.

K is for KILLING ACTUAL PEOPLE

Patrick Bateman took a note from Peter’s book when it came to leading a double life and committing ambiguous murders. I wonder if they ever got a chance to hang out together at the same seedy nightclubs.

L is for LADIES ROOM

Sometimes considered a sanctuary for women being harassed by unstable men in the workplace, Peter believes not in such boundaries.

M is for MESCALINE

Next time you find yourself having an off-day and acting a bit strange at the office, just blame it on a one-time misguided experimentation with mescaline, and everyone will sympathetically give you a pass. We’ve all been there.

N is for NICOLAS CAGE

Let’s face it; Cage’s performance is what deservedly elevates this film to its level of cult masterpiece.

O is for ONE NIGHT STANDS

Peter’s journey is not just that of a man succumbing to the ways of the nocturnal bloodsucker, but it’s also the tale of a man learning to forgo his late-night trysts in favor of finding real, true love. The big L. Let’s hope things work out with Sharon.

P is for PLASTIC TEETH

When your own fangs aren’t growing in fast enough, these novelty prop teeth from your local occult-themed convenient store are a vampire’s best friend. Especially when you can’t afford the fiberglass model.

Q is for QUAID

Sink those plastic teeth into this one: Dennis Quaid turned down the role early in pre-production, long before Cage jumped at the opportunity. That would have been a very different film.

R is for REFLECTIONS

If you no longer see your reflection in the mirror, you may be a vampire. If you no longer see your reflection in the mirror but everyone else still can, you may be insane. If you can see your reflection in the mirror but scream at yourself as if you can’t, you may be Nicolas Cage.

S is for SOFA COFFIN

Who said vampires need to sleep in actual coffins? Last I checked, crawling under an overturned leather couch accomplishes the same goal.

T is for THERAPY SESSIONS

Pseudo-vampires need someone to talk to just like the rest of us. Just be sure to accommodate them if they request their appointment be rescheduled sooner.

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U is for UNDERRATED

While it’s certainly gained a devoted fan-base (and for good reason), this film initially suffered at the box-office when it opened opposite another creature of the night: Tim Burton’s Batman.

V is for VIOLENT MIMES

It’s New York. Seeing two mimes on the sidewalk pretend to repeatedly slap and spit on each other probably isn’t going to be the strangest thing you’ll witness before reaching the end of the block.

W is for WALKING INTO WALLS

Seriously, you have to look out for these when stumbling around New York having delusional conversations with your non-existent date. On the plus side, no one will pay you much attention.

X is for EXTREME OVERREACTIONS

Violently trashing your entire apartment is a normal means of venting after learning that the girl you’re admittedly not even all that into doesn’t want to see you anymore. (Look, if you can come up with a better X-word, by all means post it below.)

Y is for YOU DON’T SAY

While Peter never actually says these words in Vampire’s Kiss, his iconic expression has taken the internet by storm paired with this simple phrase.

Z is for ZERO BULLETS

If you want to scare off an attacker with the handgun you keep in your purse for protection but can’t find any live ammunition, blanks may be the next best thing. The chances that he’ll try and shoot himself and develop a God-complex when he doesn’t die are almost certainly slim to none.

Vampire’s Kiss is now on Blu-ray as part of a double feature with High Spirits.

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